So I have been sick the last few days, typical cold during the winter - but it leaves a lot of room to think and in my case watch the Ground Hog Day marathon (yes the same movie over and over again) at least 2 times.
A friend and I were discussing the impact of my relationships with people the other day. What? That isn't your typical conversation with your friends? Don't judge me... LOL!
I was going through some of the more daunting ones, I think we all might have those who require extra work (who knows I could be one of yours) or extra understanding that makes the relationship higher on the work and less on the friend. Now this is NOT to say that there is anything wrong with this and in fact most of us choose to do the work because we care about the person. But sometimes don't you just wish it could just be simple?
I tend to be the giver and caretaker in my relationships. I think I am pretty good at it too. I have been blessed with the ability to zero in on needs and wants and work diligently to help the other person. Only recently have I come to realize what a price this carries: You see I became so good at it that I kinda forgot about me.
And you are wondering how can you forget about yourself? I know a few of you who are card carrying members of the same givers club I belong to. I don't necessarily see you at the meetings but I recognize you almost immediately. You know who you are - you are the person that works the hardest, seemingly amazing to some, for the ability to do the most simple things and would rather "get things out of the way" for others then focus on yourself. Whoa - now you know that I know who you are...
We are the caregivers, the nurturers, the people who listen and act. We are the trusted and loyal friends and sometimes to our great detriment the easiest ones to be hurt. For the givers are quite adept at hiding any emotional turmoil and just work harder. It is easier to sweep your emotions and hopes and desires under the rug then deal one on one because all of a sudden you become the givee. That's a hard position to switch to. Givers derive joy from helping and appreciation for it - actually its kind of simple.
What the people who aren't the givers don't realize is that we understand them far better then they give us credit for. In order to be the giver you must completely understand the givee. That's where our true power lies.
In my experience, recognizing those statements above was a monumental task. I have been so wrapped up in giving - that I teetered on doing anything for myself. In fact, if I did something for me sometimes I thought it was selfish.
Hmmm, not anymore.
Its like being a stranger in a strange land - when you face your emotions that you have quelled for years. Unexpected things occur. My Goliaths (yes there are a few) come down pretty easy once I have the courage to throw rocks at them. For instance one or the more challenging ones came down with just a simple push - while others require a few heavier rocks.
So in my house of glass, I am gladly throwing rocks - shattering windows and letting the air in for the first time. It is a great feeling, exhilarating and scary all rolled into one. Once you do it, at least in my experience, you want to continue to do more.
So let's talk about what I have found out thus far:
FEAR - Oh that's a biggie... requires a lot of rocks... Fear is such a horrible emotion. I understand why we need it, but the effects it has on people are incredible. I see daily, wonderful people who are filled to the brim with fear. They hide in plain sight, acclimating to their surrounds and work very hard to mask they are anything but what they truly are. Now I am not saying I am fearless but I will NOT ever let it control me again. Even if it is as simple as saying how you feel without fear of retribution - that is a huge step for anyone.
SELFISHNESS - The pitfall emotion that givers often experience. There are those people out there who are selfish - some recognize it and own it and others well pretend they are anything but that. Selfishness in my opinion is the emotion people get when they themselves do not deal with core issues. It is easier to don the airs and graces of privilege then to face what causes you to be that way. Selfish people aren't bad, but they turn a blind eye or create a cold emotional environment when they are hard pressed to face their demons and instead demand more to cover it up. Clearly, I am on to this now...
LOATHING - I use to loathe myself. And only recently, have I been correcting this. I suffer from a lot of body image issues. The fact that I am putting this out there - should prove I have identified it and have worked on it a bit. But it's not about just going to the gym more... You see for many years I have been hidng in a facade of my body. It was easier for me not to handle the issue because I put so many other things before it. Piling on was the norm and my needs were always the last thing on the checklist. Loathing comes in so many forms - people hide who they are, hide what they want, hide for hidings sake - and all the time they loathe it... I think I shot several bolders at this one.
DECEPTION - You knew I had to quote something somewhere... some of you on facebook will recognize this quote... "
I became a virtuoso of deceit. It wasn't pleasure I was after, it was knowledge. I consulted the strictest moralists to learn how to appear, philosophers to find out what to think and novelists to see what I could get away with. And, in the end, I distilled everything down to one wonderfully simple principle: win or die." Christopher Hampton nailed it in that line from Dangerous Liasions. In order to survive the other emotions I talked about, I had to learn how to hide it all... Being emotionally deceptive is truly one of the lowest points in life. In my defense, I did not have the tools required to even remotely address this - but now I do... I have the most empathy for people who are in this same boat. All I can do is offer you these tips; the first step is recognition and the second is owning up to it, after that it's much more managable. I am most proud of beating this one back.
JOY - You have to have some good in here... I use to be afraid of being too happy. I always thought there was a reflexive snap back and the cosmos or karma or something balanced it back to mediocrity. Now I know that I can be happy and it is ok to be happy.... simple words but strong meanings.
So there you have it, some of the principals I have learned thus far. So consider it fair warning, if I don't react the way I use to. It doesn't mean I care for you any less it just means I care for myself a little more.
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