The Newer Rebel Alliance

Well true believers - and I am honored that there are a few of you out there... I think today I want to talk about my inner rebel...  You know that voice in all of our heads that spurs on sometimes, wisely or not, to kick up the dust and move in our own direction or make the situation ours...  It's like those classic Warner Bros cartoons where an angelic and demonic tiny version of you - all garbed up in the appropriate outfit of course - sits on your shoulder and directs you...  Every so often the less appropriate side has to take a turn...

Now a lot of you know I am no stranger at being a rebel...  I have more "scars" than most from supporting my various rebel causes but I realized after a wonderful conversation this afternoon, I am not really allowing the inner rebel in me out all that often.  Or am I?  And questioning if I am or not is a sign that the far to long emotional trauma I have been going through might be at a tipping point... and that is welcome news. 

Case in point - how I look - I don't have a signature style nor am I a model but I try to be a little less run of the mill... perhaps I am gonna amp that up a notch - cut my hair shorter or maybe have none at all (I am losing it after all - LOL) and find a few more edgy duds... that certainly will contribute to a more outwardly rebellious brand new Dave... but what about the landscape inside? 

The song "Like it or Not" might sum up where I am these days -

You can call me a sinner
You can call me a saint
Celebrate me for who I am
Dislike me for what I ain't

Put me up on a pedestal
Or drag me down in the dirt
Sticks and stones will break my bones
But your names will never hurt...

This is who I am
You can
Like it or not
You can
Love me or leave me
Cus I'm never gonna stop
No no

For far to long I have been afraid to take some chances in my life.  I think that most of us are.  Oh sure, I can boast about the chances I take at the gym these days - but could I boast that I am at pace on the inside too.  In my case, I am proud to say yes! 

This blog is perhaps one of the more daring things I have ever done - boring you all with tales of my psyche...  and an occasional traffic/gym/et al update.  But think about it - I am someone who normally would NOT put out this type of info - especially about how I feel - into the main stream.  But something within me is different now... 

I wrote recently that my friends and family are like beacons to me in the night...  I look for them and they give me the comfort and the drive to carry on...  Is it so crazy to want to acknowledge where I'm at in the world...  For those of us who survive emotional traumas - and we all know who we are - I think you will agree it is better not to be silent but to show others that you can and will survive and with just a hint of determination you can overcome the odds that you thought you'd never get through...  Cue the Chariots of Fire music right?

A friend who I highly respect (notice I have omitted the names of the innocent here - lol) asked me if I was afraid that less then honorable people would try to use this blog against me...  After all, let's face facts, putting yourself out there in this way can lead to all sorts of trouble.  My response was simple...  "let 'em...  if anyone wants to have an honest discussion about anything I post, I welcome it."  I have worked far to long to come to where I am these days...  and I will defend myself if I have to - so I guess that's my way of posting a warning to those who want to use my words against me or better yet, Josephine Hart's book Damage might sum it up best to all those who would defame me...  "Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive."

Now I know that mood drop a few degrees in that last paragraph...  but it is important to understand.  Writing my thoughts is therapeutic for me and also gives me an avenue of expression that I have longed to have.  For those of you who knew me in my ancient times (20 years ago or so - when I was using and apple IIc no less) I use to write a lot of poetry and essays - but like oh so many of us - those crafts get put to the side...  Upon rediscovering my inner rebel - hiding in a corner I might add - I was determined to get my writing chops back...  so we can dispel any other mythology as to the genesis of this blog...

So what about you all?  Have you done a status check on that rebellious side of yours....  Now I am not suggesting a crime spree or an ill fated or fitted La Crioux - but have you dusted it up recently?  Perhaps a group of us inner rebel revelers could form a merry band and take the world by storm.

just a little note. I HATE TRAFFIC

Emotional Snow Day

What struck me this morning was the news...  New York City cancelled school today apparently it was something like the seventh time in over 30 years...  I never realized how Spartan they were - but it does make sense...  I remember growing up tons of snow days, praying for snow days, trying to convince my parents school was wrong and I should have a snow day...  lots of memories...  lots of fun... 

Now, not so much...  snow just gets in the way... pretty to look at... a work out to shovel and the general misery of trying to make it all work...  but that got me thinking, its a shame that we can't call out emotional snow days...  you know those days where you are overwhelmed or very (insert your very favorite emotion here) and happily report to whomever you have to report to that a blizzard of emotions has made your mind have a delay that day...  there's a 50/50 chance you'll make it in or better yet the roads are closed and a state of emergency has been declared and you will see them tomorrow...  Now I know people call this a mental health day but I like the ring of emotional blizzard...  a little higher on the drama scale but probably more accurate...

We all have those blizzards of emotions, yours truly included, and on this road I am journeying I have made it a point to listen for these forecasts and more importantly respect them.  A friend of mine gave me a great quote that sums it all up...  Albert Camus wrote, "in the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."  I couldn't agree more... and have adopted this as part of my mantra.

I would say over the last year my emotions have been through a very long winter...  My Id, Ego and Super Ego all have scarves, gloves and warm wooly hats... and only recently have they been seeing signs of spring.

I think best when I am forced to do a singular activity and shoveling is not the greatest for multitaskers.  Too many moving parts and concentration required...  So it could explain why I like to shovel cause it gives me room to think.  I was thinking specifically about some comments made by a very important figure in my life and how she was talking about acceptance.  That conversation set off all sorts of warnings in my internal National Emotional Weather Forecast System, as a storm was brewing in my hypothalamus. 

Ok kids, here's today's lesson: The hypothalamus is the region of the brain that is responsible for regulating your hunger, thirst, response to pain, levels of pleasure, anger and aggressive behavior, and more.  It also regulates the functioning of the autonomic nervous system, which in turn means it regulates things like pulse, blood pressure, and breathing in response to emotional circumstances. (You all thought I was just a pretty face - LOL)

With the warnings posted my mind set about the appropriate countermeasures to prepare for the storm.  That response is new for me - as I usually just slug right through things to "get them done."

Here's what I found - while shoveling 17" inches of snow - Acceptance is a key factor in my life...  According to Wikipedia, acceptance is "a person's agreement to experience a situation, to follow a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit."  My first instinct is always, haven't I been doing that already?  Well the answer is no...  I found that in my mind acceptance lies buried in ice and snow, a result of the abhorrently long emotional winter, or at least it did...  But something remarkable happened today while shoveling... I chipped away at my emotional ice (and hundreds of pounds of real wet heavy snow) and was able to thaw out that emotion and bring it into the sunlight...  and begin the process of understanding it and using it... not a big deal to the lucky few, but for a large number of us, I believe a major hurdle... 

Forget the ground hog, the big three of my mind are rejoicing that I have not seen my shadow and that emotional spring is right around the corner... NOTE: We can only hope for that here on planet earth too...

I have to say it gives me hope when these moments pop into my life and it made shoveling far more interesting and exciting... and I now know I live for those types of moments... and they inspire me to move toward being a far better person...

I believe as this snowy winter moves along, my emotions and my shovel are getting ready and well on their way to an invincible summer... 

Somewhat signs of intelligent life...

Or at least what I've learned from organizing clean products...

So where ever you live... I am willing to bet there is that one place where you look, it could be your clothes closet, your medicine cabinet, your kitchen cabinet or that oh so famous junk drawer...  where your life is shall we say a little less organized than we are conditioned to be.  You have all good intentions, but like our emotions, you have enough trouble getting by - let alone deal with that particular issue.

So today, after a somewhat unpleasant conversation, I decided that it was time to organize, more my life than cleaning products, but hey you gotta start somewhere...  Sometimes the best and worst catalyst in life is anger - and I am sure I'm not alone here when I say - getting your teeth kicked in is unpleasant but a motivator...

I have to say that for a long time now, I never realized how asleep at the switch I was - or more importantly how trying to please other people and putting myself last would have such awful effects later in life.  The nobility of those gestures, especially when you are the one who is constantly accommodating, gets lost in time and you are left feeling worse then when you "took one for the team."

I have always hated how my kitchen cabinets looked on the interior.  Nothing but a sea of unorganized mess - everything thrown together with no grand scheme - things tossed out of sight like so many feelings we all just shut away.  I realized after a party I had, how little space I had left in my kitchen and well I thought I just had to much stuff.  Upon further examination, it seems the stuff that was clogging everything had no business being in the kitchen at all - it was just tossed there - a temporal patch - to get by.  Don't we all do that with our feelings too?

Now, I am not one to say that we have to experience ever feeling with a complete and total sense of completion.  Nor am I saying that we have to deal with everything right away, but if you don't take stock - sometimes those emotions, or Lysol in my cabinet's case, seem to elude and escape you until you have to forcibly go find them.

The clutter in my life - is a series or random emotions that inhabit the wrong places.  It's not that they are wrong or bad or undeserved - they simply got tossed away in a sorta mental catch all the has been clogged for a long time with these snippets of "stuff."

As you can kinda guess, I have been rebuilding myself - from the ground up and now kids we are at the scary stuff, rebuilding my interior.  So what better way to experiment then with real world applications - or at least apply the sample principals to something representative.

Proudly, I found a spot where all the wrong "stuff" in my kitchen cabinet could go.  I found proper receptacles and even tiled the floor where I was going to put the dreaded cleaning supplies.  Within minutes I immediately felt better as my cabinets were uncluttered, my cleaning supplies put away and organized and I moved some of my emotions and a very heavy bottle of Pledge into their right spots.  Onward!

Todays workout

As promised here is todays workout -

Bicep & Tricep -

4 sets of 8 reps tricep extensions at 50 lbs
4 sets of 12 reps of sit ups
4 sets of 8 reps isolated bicep curls at 30 lbs
4 sets of 12 reps of leg raise sit ups
4 sets of 8 reps of tricep presses
4 sets of 12 reps of isolated sit ups
4 sets of 8 reps of bicep curls at 30 lbs
4 sets of 12 reps of oblique ab lifts (each side)
4 sets of 8 reps of tricep goblet press at 55 lbs
4 sets of 18 reps multiple bicep curls at 60 lbs
8 sets of 12 reps isolated ab crunches
2 sets of 12 reps "Spidey" push ups
2 sets of 12 reps incline sit ups

Exteriors...

I think Mark Twain said it best, "There was never yet an uninteresting life.  Such a thing is an impossibility.  Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy and a tragedy."

He definately got it right.

In my first post (and thank all of you for such wonderful encouraging feedback), I referenced a lot about the past year and how it has changed me.  There are all sorts of changes that have been made.  The most noticible one is of course the exterior of me (we will get to the interior - trust me that's a lot right there) but most people immediately comment on how different I look.  In fact, it usually goes something like "the body!, the hair!, the workout!?!"

Below are the warts and all pics of me then and now... 


Old Dave



A Brand New Dave



The Body!

So above there to the left is me at approximately 297 pounds and roughly 36% body fat.  Obese ain't the word for it.  I was constantly tired, over wrought and just plain unhappy.  On November 16, 2009 I did something that I had not done in 20 years, I walked into a gym and worked out.  My gym is 24/7 fitness in Hasbrouck Heights, New Jersey and I think that and therapy have really saved my life. The picture in orange was taken last Thursday night.  I am now 202 pounds and roughly 13.9% body fat.  (A shout out to Chris Padula who thinks the orange outfit makes me look like a Tron reject! LOL!)  Simply it is amazing.  To think that I took off an eternity of weight, 95 pounds of so, in a little over a year is amazing!  I have not felt this good I think ever... 

The Hair!

Or the lack thereof, is the second most commented thing I get.  As you can see from the "before" picture I use to have long, somewhat unkept, hair that I have always hated.  In February of 2010 I simply got sick of it and asked my stylist John to mix it up a bit.  It was like he hit the lotto, and before I knew it, I had a slightly longer version of the hair you see today.  When it was all done, it felt like I hit the lotto too...  A lot more updated and a breeze to take care of, I have to say it is one of my favorite things I have done thus far.  Also what's nice is as my hairline recedes (and yes you can tell it is and I am cool with that - actually I am almost proud of it - it shows that I have been around for a little while) and as it progressively gets shorter and shorter, til there is no more, I get to "take charge" of my folicle destiny and not be a slave to the useless emotions that are attached to a multi-billion dollar industry that preys on people.  (Oh look I think I just got a little political there!) I know one day I will be balding or bald and if someone doesn't like it - well - the reality is its my head and my hair and my decision.

The Workout!

That's the million dollar question - What do you do?  Well I will tell you that for the first 60 or so pounds I did everything all by myself...  I would do approximately 30 minutes on the stair master or eliptical machine and then do some weight machines.  In and around late March or early April I had plateaued and was not very happy.  I went to some of the classes at my gym and then I met one of their trainers Dana Wynne.  Under Dana's instruction (she has a following!) I began to lose more and more weight, found out I was doing every exercise wrong (i'm not kidding!) and most importantly I found someone who understood my goals, who was not critical of them and actually encourages me to reach them...  I'm still not there but I am a hell of a lot closer.  Day one of Dana's class I could do maybe 6 sit-ups, 3 push-ups and and very enthusiastic attempt at a pull up...  Now there is no stopping me...  Over the past 9 months, I have made incredible strides and will always be grateful to Dana and the 24/7 fitness family.

Speaking of workouts - I have decided to post my current work out by day and body part - so that perhaps those of you who have questions or want to try something different on your own - it could be a handy reference point...  So for instance today - I did my chest and back workout:

1. 4 sets of 8 reps of the Decline Chest Press @ 200 lbs with 12 sit ups between each set
2. 4 sets of 8 reps of the Chest Press @ 140 lbs with 12 Abdominal Leg Lifts between each set
3. 4 Sets of 8 reps of the Incline Chest Press @140 lbs with 12 side to side sit ups between each set
4. 4 sets of 8 reps of the Back Pull Down Press @ 230 lbs with 12 incline sit ups between each set
5. 4 sets of 8 reps of the Chest Fly Press @210 lbs with12 oblique sit ups between each set
6. 4 sets of 8 reps of the Lateral Pull Down @ 100 lbs with 12 sit ups between each set
7. 4 sets of 8 reps of the Lower Back Pull @ 100 lbs with 12 sit ups between each set

Tomorrow I will work on biceps, triceps and abs as well as an hour of cardio...

All in all the exterior changes of me are moving along better than expected...  I am determined to reach my goal which is to be "beach worthy" this year for the first time in my life.  The definition of "beach worthy" doesn't fit a label or a fad look - it is what I determine it to be - but I am excited that perhaps something that has eluded me all my life is finally going to happen - excepting my body for what it is and knowing that I have worked very hard to get there.

And so it begins...

A favorite song of mine has lyrics that have played over and over in my head throughout this last year.  They go something like this… “Something has changed within me - Something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules - Of someone else's game, Too late for second-guessing - Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts - Close my eyes and leap!”  These words have such a powerful meaning for me. 

In this first post, of what I hope are many – I want to start out with a note of thanks – to a whole lot of people.  The people who have been there since I first shed light on my crazy year…  I am not going to name names because I think you all know who you are… or at least I hope so… (that could cause more therapy sessions pondering that LOL!)

When faced with adversity I found that what I thought were my political instincts turned out to be my life instincts…  I went about building an infrastructure of support for myself and was so grateful that so many people reinforced my quite shaky pillars.  Once I stabilized, I began the process of moving forward instead of dwelling in a very angry past.  There is truth to the concept of “traveling in stillness” and from the outset I have been determined to take negatives and make them positives.  This blog is one of them.

Some of my relationships have changed, mostly for the better.   Love never does die, but sometimes it changes.  No matter how much I wanted to, being angry for anger’s sake is pretty stupid.  And taking a road that is the least travelled, especially when the roads are all about you, can have so many surprising benefits.

I have learned the greatness of simple joys and seek them out.  I have learned that by making tough decisions, which some of you might have disagreed with, make me feel more complete and real. Most importantly I have learned that I am not alone.

So for good or for ill, this blog is designed to be a bit of a forum, I will ask for input, and also a safe haven for people who have questions…  in the days to follow, and as my story unfurls, I hope to be a friend to people, like my friends and family to me, who are in similar situations.  So stay tuned…

A lot of people have commented on the calmness that seems to be oozing out of me, that’s because in my darkest time, when I need them the most, heroes from all walks of life, stepped up to the plate to support me – and that is truly remarkable.